“talking about “adult” experience in an interview, rejected candidate’s parent called us, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

talking about “adult” experience in an interview, rejected candidate’s parent called us, and more
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talking about “adult” experience in an interview, rejected candidate’s parent called us, and more

Posted: 15 Feb 2018 09:03 PM PST

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Talking about "adult” experience in an interview

I have a very strange situation. A few years ago, I hosted a small sex party that was a great success. Attendees recommended other attendees, and the list of invitees grew.

I decided to treat the group like a real organization. I put systems in place to handle the administrative aspects of finding hosts, teaching hosts how to throw a good event, and handling event registration. On the human resources side, I paid a lot of attention to when the groups “gelled” and when they didn’t, and was able to start identifying factors that led to successful experiences for the attendees. The factors ranged from the environment to the mix of personalities, body types, and preferences. We have explicitly developed and refined systems for guaranteeing physical health, dealing with consent, screening new attendees for fit, and so on.

The group has been a tremendous success. We have hundreds of members, and I’m very proud of the culture, the extreme respect that members feel for each other, and an atmosphere that everyone praises as being safe, consent-based, and accepting. We now have several hundred members and if this were an activity that could be done above board, I would be trying to turn it into an actual business.

Running and growing this club has given me experience that is directly relevant to a management job, and much of what I have done would be great to talk about, if it weren’t a sex club. Is there any way to bring this experience into the mix when talking with prospective employers, or does the subject matter forever relegate it to the NSFW category, no matter how relevant it may be?

Yeah, I don't think you can, unfortunately. You could be vague about what the club entails, referring to it as an activity club of some sort, for instance. But if you're asked for details — or worse, a reference connected to your work there — you're going to quickly get into territory that requires you either to lie or to make your interviewer very uncomfortable. I know that's crappy, but I can't see a way around it.

2. Should I tell a rejected candidate that their parent protested our hiring decision?

I recently rejected a candidate who wasn’t a good fit for the position for a variety of reasons. They responded with an email debating our decision (in a tone that validated we made the right call) and I found out the next day their parent also sent an email to our CEO (they have a loose professional connection) debating my decision (and also implying I did it without management’s blessing … ugh).

In this situation, would you give the applicant a heads-up that this happened? Based on their response, I wouldn’t be surprised if the parental interference was requested, but it just comes off so wildly unprofessional it’s really soured us on a person who was good but not great and turned them into a never-ever. What do you think?

Nah, I wouldn't bother. This candidate already sent you an email debating your decision in a rude tone. That means that (a) the chances that they'll respond well to this heads-up are significantly lower than with a polite/professional candidate, and (b) there's no incentive here for you to go out of your way to try to do them a favor. Plus, it sounds like the parent would hear about this and go back to your CEO about it, and I suspect your CEO doesn't want to deal with that.

And geez, I guess we can see where the candidate got this from.

3. Is there any benefit to me interviewing for a job that I'll already be offered?

I’ve been in touch with someone at a company I used to work for about returning to work for them in a role almost identical to the one that I had previously (I left there seven years ago), but I’d now be working remotely (which is a key reason I’m interested in going back — I moved away and previously they didn’t support remote work but now they have a strong set-up for it). Once they heard I was interested my old department, they said they’d post a job for me to apply for.

I heard today they have approval to post the position and specifically to hire me into it, so they’re checking with HR to see if they even need to post it or if they can just direct hire and assign me. However, they said that if I still want to go through an interview process, we can go that route. I’m inclined to say no since any of the information that I might still need (like questions I’d ask in an interview) I can just ask of my contact, and some of the things I’d want to ask are more for after I have the offer in hand anyway (although I suppose if I was interviewing for a job I know is mine, maybe I’d ask them then anyway, rather than waiting?). However is there some other benefit for me to actually interview for the job, either in the process itself, or for when it comes time to negotiate salary, that I’d want to take advantage of and would miss by not interviewing?

If they do end up needing to interview other candidates, you want an interview too. Seven years is a long time to be away, and if they're also talking to others, you don't want those other people to be more fresh in their minds than you are.

If they're not interviewing anyone else, then I don't think you need to set up a formal interview, but I wouldn't take the job without a pretty detailed conversation with the person who will be managing you. You want to know things like how the role may have changed since you last held it (a lot can change in seven years) and whether anything about it is different for someone who's working remotely, and — unless you know your would-be manager very well — you want to get a better feel for her as a manager and for her to be able to get a better feel for you.

You can do that in a formal interview too, of course — and one possible advantage to a real interview is that if you're super impressive in it, you could potentially increase your ability to negotiate salary. That said, there's a little bit of a risk to a real interview too, in that if you have a bad day and flub it, they might end up with a sudden requirement to interview other people too.

4. Applying for a job with an old colleague — should I ask for a call to talk about the job?

I was recently forwarded a great job opportunity — I fit the job description, have the necessary experience and degree required — and better yet, this job would bring me closer to my hometown and family. It would also be a career jump for me since I'm currently working in a position with no room for growth.

I found out that the director at the potential job is an old colleague/senior from when we used to work at the same institution a few years ago. I was debating whether I should reach out to her separately from the application process to talk to her about the job and let her know I've applied, especially since she would be the direct manager for this position. The field I work in is extremely small and competitive and knowing the right people really does take you far. I was going to shoot her an email to reconnect, update her, and ask if we could talk over the phone regarding the job. What do you think? Is that a bad move?

Definitely email her and let you know that you've applied for the job and would love to talk with her about it if she thinks you're a strong match for it. But don't just ask for a phone call to discuss it — that's pretty much an attempt to jump ahead in their selection process.

For what it's worth, candidates love to make these requests for phone calls to "discuss the job" when they know the hiring manager or have a connection to them through someone else … and hiring managers will sometimes agree to the calls out of a sense of obligation if they already know the candidate or the mutual contact and want to preserve the relationship. But when there's a clear application process already laid out, it's generally pretty annoying when people try to go around that rather than following the instructions we asked you to follow.

So apply, and email her to let her know. If she thinks it makes sense to set up a call, she will let you know.

5. Can I praise my boss for her work turning around our organization?

I have a good problem. My boss (of a small not-for-profit) was recently moved into the top role when the CEO left and is now managing the whole organization. Things were not going too well when the former CEO left and morale was pretty low. My boss really stepped up to the plate and has turned things around and boosted morale, making things better for staff in a number of ways. She also goes out of her way to give us thoughtful (homemade and edible!) gifts at Christmas time (as context).

Is it ever okay to praise her for turning things around? How appropriate would it be for the staff to come together and buy her a small gift as a token of our appreciation for her hard work? Would us all individually stating our thanks be more appropriate, and how would this best be communicated? I’m very aware of the “never gift up" protocol in professional settings, but this seems like a bit of a grey area.

Definitely do let her know that you really appreciate her work, and be as specific as you can about the thing she's done that you've noticed and the outcomes you think she's achieved. Managing can be a pretty thankless job — in part because sometimes people aren't sure if they can send praise upwards — and hearing that kind of thing can be a really big deal. You could do this in an in-person conversation, or you could do it in a note or a card. (The note or card has the advantage that it's something she can keep and look at in the future, but really, any of these options will be lovely.)

But I would stay away from the gift, for all the same reasons that you shouldn't gift upwards at work in general (including, in this case, that you risk making other people feel obligated to contribute to it).

For example: recently he asked me to pull together some info for a meeting he was going to two days later. I spent a couple hours putting it together and emailed it to him. I feel like a typical person would reply back “thanks,” at the very least to acknowledge that they received it. But he never replied to my email or mentioned it to me at all.

This coworker is senior to me, but he isn’t directly above me. I don’t usually work with him. He has a habit of doing things like this (not just to me, to everyone) and I find it rude. I don’t need to be thanked for doing my job. So if he was my boss or the things I was doing for him were part of my normal job function, I probably wouldn’t care as much (though I still think it’s good practice to send over a quick “thanks!” even in those cases). But whenever I do things like this it’s essentially me doing him a favor — taking time out of my regular work to make his job easier. Is it normal work behavior to not thank someone for doing you a favor outside of their usual work duties if their manager asked them to?

And either way, should I mention anything about it or just get over it? I was thinking about just saying something like, "Hey, did you ever get that email I sent you? I didn’t see a reply to it and wanted to make sure it looked okay."

Yeah, it's rude for him not to acknowledge that you're going out of your way to help him.

Of course, it's possible that he doesn't know you're doing that — people aren't always crystal clear on exactly what is and isn't in someone else's job description, and it's possible that he assumes that because you're doing what he asks, it's part of your job. He should thank you regardless, simply because that's polite, but he might not realize that you're going out of your way to help him.

You could attempt to nudge him into realizing it, by saying things like "I don't typically pull together this kind of info for the sales staff, but I can do it for you this time" or "Normally the sales staff does this themselves, but if you’re in a crunch, I can see if I can get it done for you later today."

Another way of nudging him into realizing that he needs to acknowledge you is exactly what you suggested: saying something like "Hey, did you get that email I sent you? I didn't hear back from you and didn't know if it was what you needed or not." Do that enough times, and you might push him into the habit of acknowledging your work before you follow up about it.

There's also the option of saying no to some of his requests. If his requests would really be favors from you, then you're not obligated to grant them if he has a track record of being rude to you. But only do that if you can genuinely defend a no by pointing to higher priorities that you need to deal with. Otherwise it could backfire on you and make you look unhelpful and/or petty to your boss or others.

And you mentioned that sometimes your manager is asking you to do this stuff for him. In those cases, the work isn't so much of a favor for him; it's an assignment from your manager.

In general, though, some people are just like this — they're very transactional about work and miss the entire social context of dealing with humans and the fact that being pleasant in your interactions with people makes everything feel a lot nicer. This word view also misses the fact that even in the context of "just doing their jobs," most people have some leeway on how quickly they respond or with what degree of attention to detail or in how far they go out of their way to help someone — and that being kind makes people more interested in prioritizing your requests and generally being helpful.

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